Tuesday, October 17, 2006

HARD Decisions!!!

Man oh man oh man. I have been completely consumed by "do I continue with a grad school program that I'm not enthralled with and that's killing me," or "do I drop this, focus on my health, regroup, and either restart next Fall or choose another program or do something else entirely?"

This is all I've thought about for the last two weeks, with even more obsession in the last week. I've dreamed about this since Friday night. To make life more interesting, I'm nearly useless from the fatigue, headache, dizziness, joint pain, chest pain, rash, etc. that makes my life so interesting (i.e., lupus). I'm in a continual fog at work, even to the point that I'm so fatigued that my words are slurring (I'm sure someone's going to ask me about "my drinking problem" and all I'll be able to do is to defend my diet pepsi intake). This morning, I decided "you can do this -- just do it." This afternoon, my body did a complete nose dive and I'm still trying to recover from the headache, dizziness and complete uselessness that I dealt with all afternoon (I was actually scared to drive home tonight). And I thought, "who am I trying to kid???"

I think the bottom line is that I'm trying to do something that neither my body nor my soul can do. I'm not in love with this program. It's got such a heavy focus on government and non-profits, neither of which I care much about. The "health services emphasis" (note use of quotes) is two classes and a project. Woo woo. To spend this much time, energy, etc. on a degree that, yes, I'll have a master's, but I might have to kill myself part way through it, if it doesn't kill me . . .


then I think, just stick with it. Note that I'm two papers behind, have a paper to write for Saturday, and a test to study for on Saturday. It's kind of like my recurring nightmare that I've realized I have a final in 15 minutes in triple advanced super hard calculus, and I've not gone to any of the classes. Except this is no dream!

So here's where I'm at right now. I know I need to bow out. I just don't know if I can let myself do it. I feel like I'll be a complete failure if I do that. I also feel that I give up so easily all the time, and this is just another time that I'll give up.

But I'm also yearning to live a little. I've spent the last four years getting my bachelor's and learning how to be a manager. I'm in my dream home, but too busy and tired to enjoy it. My cats are so upset when I live in the morning that they literally latch onto my ankles (not a good sign). My yard is growing cobwebs -- I haven't been out in it for over a month. My health SUCKS. I want to get back to walking and eating well. I want to look for joy again.

On another note (yes, I'm a total Gemini), I had decided to cancel going to New Orleans next week for a professional conference, then yesterday thought, "forget that!" so I'm going! Booked hotel and air, already have some dinner plans. The conference is right in the French Quarter, so I plan to spend at least one afternoon playing hookey so that I can go sight see and get really great souvenirs. LOTS of photos will be taken. I've flown twice, maybe three times, in my life, and NEVER alone. So this is me forcing myself to conquer multiple levels of fear, and the fears are very real, and take advantage of this great opportunity. This conference is in Philadelphia in 2008, not half as exciting, but lots of history to go see. I'm going to take advantage of this whole work conference thing. I'm seeing possibilities.

Any and all advice is welcome. Am I giving up? Am I doing the right thing? Am I the only person who knows what the right thing is? Will I regret this?


Just so's I have my priorities straight.


LoriO said...

Ok, most importantly, Jeffrey didn't cheat, and he will win.

I don't think you should spend time and energy doing something you don't enjoy just because you don't want to be a "quitter." School will still be there if you want to do it again in the future. Live in the moment, do what's right for you now, and give yourself some slack.

Phydeaux said...

Thanks Lori -- I've decided as much today. I'm at home right now (took the day off to write papers that I could care less about . . .), enjoying my fuzzy ones, raking leaves and acorns, and watching food network. Haven't done any of that for TOOOO long.

I might even head down to the yarn/knitting store -- I've been dying to knit something!

I agree about Jeffrey! I started out hating him, but now really want him to win, considering what he's made of a former mess of a life. (But I'll be way OK if Michael wins!)