Musings

No pix for this post, just a few musings (I'll try to avoid "whinings") about living with lupus and "embracing" middle age (or trying to!).

Middle age??!!?? What the heck??? Eesh. Well, I'd rather be who I am right now, 44 + 361 days, than who I've been throughout my multicolored and -faceted life, so there's something to embrace. I was just hit by the image of me at a track meet in high school, wearing rainbow striped socks with my neon lemon yellow Nike's with turquoise swooshes, and some kind of hideous but oh-so-cool rainbow striped tank top as I lobster fried in the Calif Central Valley sun. The late 70's weren't that kind to anyone!

Or me in my Oingo Boingo lime green linen dress with black, purple, fuschia squiggly patterns, wearing long pearls, black heels, probably some black leggings. The 8o's were only kind to Madonna's bank account!

Or me in my oh-so-cool hospital scrubs, hair in a scrunchy, finding my niche working in a busy hospital in the early to mid 90's -- I was styling! Or thought so ... :)

And now me in mid/late 2000's, kicked back in my Eddie Bauer fave shorts and sweater, hair with more white than I'd like people to know about pulled out of my eyes, and lamenting the wrinkles that I've been developing, thanks to all those days of frying in the sun in the 70's! Ah well. I want to be the wise old woman that doesn't care about white hair and wrinkles. I'm trying, dang it.

So as I'm musing, I'm hurting a lot today, and not entirely sure why. I'm looking down at my lovely blue toes -- not a great sign for a lupie gal -- framed by lovely lobster red feet and throbbing ankles. Not to be left out -- heaven forbid -- I'm sporting bright cherry red knuckles, swollen and aching fingers that are curling into little arthritic claws. Neato! Waiting for the motrin to kick in! And my lovely lovely brilliant red and inflamed cheeks -- my butterfly rash -- I knew I was in trouble last night when I was shocked to see such crimson standing out where it didn't belong! Just think -- a lot of women pay a lot of money for blushie cheeks -- I get mine for free ....

I didn't overdo it this weekend ... if anything, I under did it. Maybe that's the problem -- let the adrenaline stop, and the pain floods in. Well, we'll see how I feel tomorrow. If this keeps up, I'll have to go see my rheumatologist, and be told it's all in my head.

I've alluded in previous posts about life decisions ahead. What's most important to me at this point in my life? Is it to potentially make myself less healthy by increasing my stress in order to get a master's degree? Is it to focus on my career? Is it to create family, either the old fashioned way (Mr. Right and kids) or less traditional (adopt or focus on my friends who are family, etc.)? Is it to do the things I thought I was meant to do, but didn't pursue, like create stories, novels, art, etc.? I don't have to come up with any huge proclamations soon, like joining a commune or anything. But I am making school decisions, because I either have to go back in a couple of weeks, and double up in the Fall to make up for the Spring, or take a leave, or quit altogether. And I have to be OK with any of those decisions.

Today's supposed to be about sun and bbq's! It's not too late, go enjoy!!!! xoxox