Home sweet home

Pulled up in front of the house after the FLIGHT FROM HELL, started to open the trunk, hear frantic squeaking, and there was MOLLIE mewing for all she is worth and more at the kitchen window (she never mastered the meow). I ran in for a reunion, the girls are VERY happy, mama is HAPPIER, and I'm now preparing to pass out.

no . . . more . . . planes . . . . . . for awhile . . .

Last day

Played hookey this afternoon from the conference and explored the French Quarter . . . on foot. Three hours of walking! My legs and footsies are very very very very sore, but I don't regret it for a second. Pix will be posted this week. Saw the commercial (tourists and college kids a go go), the hedonistic (gay bars with tons 'o men drinking in the streets -- and I'm the only woman for blocks, and quite safe!), the old but sad (Jean LaFitte's home, built in the late 1700's and now a bar), the old but oh so cool (gorgeously old buildings with wrought iron, lush greenery, gas lamps), the un-tasty (pralines that tasted ODD, then read the ingredients . . . made with margarine? eesh), the historical moment of deja vu with ancesters (Mississippi River, which all of my ancestors had to cross without the benefit of bridge or freeway to go West), and the moment of nearly kissing the rug once I finally got to my room with Wendy's and diet pepsi's. I know, I know, I should be eating fried oysters (hate oysters) or jambalaya or crawdad something, but I just wanted FOOD and CAFFEINE. I'm going to be working off the fat, sugar, salt, etc. that I've consumed these last few days for weeks. I'm sure I've gained 5 lbs. And nearly worth every bite! Just wish I had my family history documents with me -- I'd traced one line back to New Orleans, and forgot to copy the history to my new laptop. Darn! Can't remember any of the names! Would have been great to get headstone photos, etc. Next trip. Maybe.

Halloween Parade at 10pm on Bourbon Street -- I'm passing though. Tired. College age kids descended on the hotel and city today, undoubtedly for the Halloween weekend. Shuttle's leaving very early. I'm OK being 43 and not that interested in partying on Bourbon Street.

Can't wait to see my little fuzzies and REALLY can't wait to sleep in my very own bed. But still had a really great time and am infinitely glad that I looked my huge fear of travelling alone in the face and beat it.

embracing reality

So I took today off (scheduled it last week) to do my reading, write one of my papers, study for my test. And . . . it didn't suck.

It's all starting to click. It's all becoming relevant. Go figure!

Government administration is not a bad thing to learn about when you manage federal grants and contracts, when you have faculty at the VA, and when you work with the VA all the time.

So, for today, subject to change, I'm embracing my reality. I reserve the right for future grumbling and complaining.

Decision UN made. ARGH.

OK, reality hit today. If I withdraw now, I have to cough up the $5,000 for tuition currently paid by my employer's program + student loans. If I wait until 60% of the quarter's over, I should have tuition covered. At which point, I have to ask, "why drop?"

So I recalculated my grades, submitted my online assignments that were due today, if I write my stinking paper due Saturday tomorrow (I already took the day off to write it) and only marginally study for my test (it's only 30% of my grade), I can pass both classes, and maybe even pass with B's.

My advisor's out of town until next week, so I don't have a choice about school this weekend -- must go. I'm trying to schedule a phone call for Monday with my advisor.

So, writing the paper and studying tomorrow. May treat myself to some pizza. Or several bottles of wine (har har).

YAY JEFFREY!!!!!!!!!! I'm so pleased that he won Project Runway. What a great season -- they were all winners (and I hope Laura gets her line up soon -- I want to buy one of her dresses!!!).

Decision MADE!!!!

I may end up regretting this, but . . . I'm withdrawing from the program:

1. My health is a wreck.
2. I am beyond stressed, after a year of phenomenal stress -- I need time to just be.
3. I'm in a continual fog -- I can't write a paper, I can't create a budget, I can't think straight. (Stress much?)
4. I made the decision this morning, spent a WONDERFUL day shopping (hey, still took my day off!), spent way too much money, and loved every minute of it.
5. Had to go in to work for one meeting, and felt like I was back in my game.
6. The girls and I had a wonderful afternoon. They brought me all of their toys, one by one, and we played. I raked the yard. I actually MADE dinner (what a concept).
7. Now I'm preparing a night of guilt-free TV: Jericho, Lost, and Project Runway finale!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Molly's curled up next to me, looking very sweet and innocent in her sleep. I think I may sleep like a baby tonight myself. Sighh.

Go Jeffrey! (shhhh ... don't tell me anything!!!)

HARD Decisions!!!

Man oh man oh man. I have been completely consumed by "do I continue with a grad school program that I'm not enthralled with and that's killing me," or "do I drop this, focus on my health, regroup, and either restart next Fall or choose another program or do something else entirely?"

This is all I've thought about for the last two weeks, with even more obsession in the last week. I've dreamed about this since Friday night. To make life more interesting, I'm nearly useless from the fatigue, headache, dizziness, joint pain, chest pain, rash, etc. that makes my life so interesting (i.e., lupus). I'm in a continual fog at work, even to the point that I'm so fatigued that my words are slurring (I'm sure someone's going to ask me about "my drinking problem" and all I'll be able to do is to defend my diet pepsi intake). This morning, I decided "you can do this -- just do it." This afternoon, my body did a complete nose dive and I'm still trying to recover from the headache, dizziness and complete uselessness that I dealt with all afternoon (I was actually scared to drive home tonight). And I thought, "who am I trying to kid???"

I think the bottom line is that I'm trying to do something that neither my body nor my soul can do. I'm not in love with this program. It's got such a heavy focus on government and non-profits, neither of which I care much about. The "health services emphasis" (note use of quotes) is two classes and a project. Woo woo. To spend this much time, energy, etc. on a degree that, yes, I'll have a master's, but I might have to kill myself part way through it, if it doesn't kill me . . .

Argh.

then I think, just stick with it. Note that I'm two papers behind, have a paper to write for Saturday, and a test to study for on Saturday. It's kind of like my recurring nightmare that I've realized I have a final in 15 minutes in triple advanced super hard calculus, and I've not gone to any of the classes. Except this is no dream!

So here's where I'm at right now. I know I need to bow out. I just don't know if I can let myself do it. I feel like I'll be a complete failure if I do that. I also feel that I give up so easily all the time, and this is just another time that I'll give up.

But I'm also yearning to live a little. I've spent the last four years getting my bachelor's and learning how to be a manager. I'm in my dream home, but too busy and tired to enjoy it. My cats are so upset when I live in the morning that they literally latch onto my ankles (not a good sign). My yard is growing cobwebs -- I haven't been out in it for over a month. My health SUCKS. I want to get back to walking and eating well. I want to look for joy again.

On another note (yes, I'm a total Gemini), I had decided to cancel going to New Orleans next week for a professional conference, then yesterday thought, "forget that!" so I'm going! Booked hotel and air, already have some dinner plans. The conference is right in the French Quarter, so I plan to spend at least one afternoon playing hookey so that I can go sight see and get really great souvenirs. LOTS of photos will be taken. I've flown twice, maybe three times, in my life, and NEVER alone. So this is me forcing myself to conquer multiple levels of fear, and the fears are very real, and take advantage of this great opportunity. This conference is in Philadelphia in 2008, not half as exciting, but lots of history to go see. I'm going to take advantage of this whole work conference thing. I'm seeing possibilities.

Any and all advice is welcome. Am I giving up? Am I doing the right thing? Am I the only person who knows what the right thing is? Will I regret this?

More importantly, WHO'S GOING TO WIN PROJECT RUNWAY and DID JEFFREY CHEAT?????

Just so's I have my priorities straight.

Superhero quiz, thanks to Sean for the link!

http://www.thesuperheroquiz.com/

Happy with being Spidey -- he was my fave growing up. Decidedly UNHAPPY about the Hulk being #2...argh.

What does it say that the sexy heroines are way at the bottom of the list???

______________________________________________

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man 75% Hulk 70% Superman 65% Robin 60% Green Lantern 55% Batman 45% Catwoman 45% Iron Man 45% The Flash 40% Supergirl 38% Wonder Woman 38%

You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have great power and responsibility.

Happy October!!!

In honor of the big holiday this month, I've converted my blog to more appropriate colors.

Not quite a jammies day, but still in sweats (yay!), looking out at the trees and leaves and beautiful overcast afternoon. Squirrels are definitely on acorn hunts, which keeps my girls entertained.

I went bezerk last night and rearranged my bedroom ... started at 11pm, just as I was getting sleepy, finished up just before 1am! I'm much happier with it -- it just never felt comfortable before. The girls went BERZERKO the entire time, and after a night of sleeping like a log, woke up to find them both completely zonked out with me, not even trying to wake me up. I thought it HAD to be afternoon, but it was just 10am. Still kinda late, but a good sleep in.

Now the stew's on -- beef, carrot, onion, merlot (only red wine I had), diced tomatoes, beef broth, bay leaf, touch of tarragon I'm going to add (later) frozen sweet potato, frozen butternut squash, peas, a little fennel, red pepper. Sounds good, doesn't it? I hope it turns out!

Watching food network, working on job descriptions for work, trying to get all of my reading done for school, laundry, cooking, it's a good Sunday!